Don't worry...

Sometimes, things we were so worried about never happen anyway.

Take last week for an instance, when I was notified that I had been among the few selected to be recipient of Japanese Government Monbukagakusho a.k.a. Mambusho scholarship to pursue my Masters degree in Waseda University. I had been scheduled to leave in early April 2005.

If things had been different – I would be jumping with joy. Out of 8000 applicants, less than 30 finally got the scholarship so I must admit that it came as quite a delightful surprise to know that I made it. The fact that I actually got a placement in Waseda University (yes, that’s where Royal Prof. Ungku Aziz went to study) was a wonderful surprise too – since none of my previous e-mail seeking help with getting a Letter of Acceptance from them were replied. I thought that I might stood a better chance to go to Kobe University, as the then possible-future-Supervisor responded positively to my queries. Besides, with my 2nd Lower degree, I wasn’t putting high hopes on getting a place in Waseda although I put it as my first preference in my application form. If there is such a thing as Ivy League among Japanese universities, Waseda would definitely be part of it.

But circumstances have changed. When I applied for the scholarship more than a year ago I was single and had no immediate plan of getting married. But wedding bells came my way and now I am in the family way. I am expected to deliver my baby sometimes in September 2005. I am excited to have this baby and I am equally excited and fascinated at the idea of going to Japan to experience new frontiers of education and life itself.

However, understandably, I am a little hesitant to leave for Tokyo right now due to fact that I’ve gone through some rough times since becoming pregnant. Since this is my first pregnancy, my doctor has advised me not to travel for long hours until after delivery to avoid undue complications.

Besides, I am also worried about the high cost in medical expenses in Japan considering the fact that the scholarship does not cover maternity and related expenses. Should I decide to take a risk and leave for Japan in April 2005 and deliver my baby in Japan, where do I fork out the amount needed to cover the expenses – I’ve spent most of my savings for my wedding last year. On the other hand, if I decide to give birth in Malaysia, I have to return to the country some time in June-July 2005, of which I am not too sure whether I would be allowed to travel as by then I would be about seven months pregnant and many flights refuse to allow such ladies onboard. In any case, it will affect both my financial situation and my studies.

As for my husband, when he first heard the news on the phone, his first response was “What did Ayah say about this?” Nope, he did not sound ecstatic at all. The “Congratulations” that I received from him sounded rather flat. The news came at the wrong time - he had been increasingly worried after learning that his coursemate's wife who was also expecting and had gone through a bad case of nausea and vomit had just had a miscarriage. And he'd been told that it's necessary for people with my condition to avoid long hour journey, especially on a flight.

We made sort of a deal before our wedding. I told him about my application for Mambusho scholarship and how I’d been looking forward to pursuing my Masters, to have a chance of enriching my experience in Japan as well as to fulfil my dream to be able to converse well in Nihon-go. He told me about his application for KPLI (a course to train government school teachers) and how his family hoped he would accept it if he get to go. So, we both agree to let each other go, should we be successful in our application, to fulfil our own dreams and oblige our respective family’s wishes.

In fact, he even reassured Ayah that he had no problem of letting me go when the time arrive, with or without him going along. So, that explained why he first asked about Ayah’s opinion when I told him the news. I know, secretly he was hoping that Ayah might not let me go and if that is the case, he could say that he agrees with Ayah’s opinion. But Ayah said – “You’d better go Kak. Do well in your studies and we would figure out something for the maternity expenses.”

Hubby asked if there’s any possibility of postponing the departure until after delivery. I told him that since I need to learn the Japanese Language and pass certain level of the Japanese Language Proficiency Test, I have to go in April. But I checked with the Japanese Embassy anyway.

After listening to my dilemma, the officer in charge at the Embassy kindly told me that yes, it might be possible to defer the commencement date of my study to October. “But wouldn’t it be better if you go next year? Why don’t you re-apply?,” the officer advised. She was worried because I’m due to deliver in September, and normally they only allow student to go two months after delivery. But, no thank you – I refuse to go through all the procedures all over again. Besides, there’s no guarantee that I will get the scholarship if I re-apply. So, I was asked to write a letter, in addition to my first letter of appeal to defer the commencement date of my study, to state that I’m willing to take all responsibilities with regard to my post-natal condition as well as willing to oblige should I be asked to leave in early October.

I’m still waiting to get a formal reply from the Japanese Embassy – but things seemed almost resolved now. I’m greedy that way – I want both the baby and the scholarship. So, all things considered, perhaps going in October is probably the best option I have right now – after my delivery insya Allah. I know I will probably still be weak in October. And I might not be able to breastfeed my baby for long. And I will miss both baby and hubby terribly much until baby is old enough (3 months) to travel to Japan. But I’ll worry about that when the time comes…

After all, sometimes, things we worry about never happen anyway.